For those How I Met Your Mother fans out there, this post is going to seem all too familiar. You see, Lily and Marshall had a great idea (when you apply it to kids). Allow me to explain… when Lily and Marshall would get into a really heated argument one (or both) of them would say the word “Pause” and in that moment, the argument would cease until a later time. While the “Pause” did not give way to the “Break” it is a great example of how a break should function, the immediate response to a stressful situation.
The thing about kids is that you can hear the warning signs of frustration, you can see it on their little faces, and you can try to do something about it. Adults are much more difficult, we carry stress in other ways, and it may be hard to decipher what we are feeling. Children, however, are much more honest. It’s in those moments when a child is visibly frustrated or becoming overstimulated that you can pop over and say, “Would you like to take a break?” Giving your child an option to step away from the situation can often help to curb a tantrum or a heated “discussion” with an older child.
Not only can offering a break be a great way to avoid a tantrum, but it also makes a good alternative to the infamous timeout. Instead of grabbing your kiddo and sticking them in a specific location for x amount of minutes, offer them the opportunity to take a break. The ability for the child to make the choice to leave the situation and consider their actions often diminishes the angry outbursts or tantrums that result because the word “Timeout” came into play.
Alright, so I’ve got your attention, and you’re wondering how to implement this, right?
Here’s the game plan:
When your child is visibly frustrated (maybe their tower was knocked over, maybe their shoe is not fitting their foot, maybe someone spoke poorly of Mickey Mouse…) say the words, “Would you like to take a break from this?”
When your child has overstepped a clear boundary, say the words, “Would you like to take a break?”
Give your child a chance to choose their own space for their break. Some kids like to just relax on the couch, others will retreat to their rooms, some will just walk into a neighboring space. Whatever that space is, it’s okay.
Offer for your child to take as much time as they need on their breaks. If it is 10 seconds, great! 10 minutes, sure! The ability for them to walk away from the difficult situation will help them to calm down so that you can talk.
This is the most important aspect of a break: get involved! Do not just let your kiddo walk away from you. Talk to them about what happened. Ask if there was a method of approaching the situation that could have achieved a different result. If they can’t think of anything, then show them what you might have done! Work together to achieve a positive solution. If something happened that was dangerous, explain why it was dangerous. Whatever the issue was, the focus of this conversation should be to create a plan that yields different results.
So often we, as adults, can take for granted how much we know and understand. Even something like the action of listening. Well, unless you’ve ever explained what listening is, chances are that you and your child are speaking different languages with regards to both what it is and how it looks. Allow the break to be an opportunity to explain something new or the chance to talk to your little one about the challenges they were facing. Before you know it, your child will be asking you to take a break when things become overwhelming. Allow them to chat with you, share their feelings, and make plans for a brighter day.