Chapter One: Helping Children Deal with Their Feelings
There is a direct connection between how children feel and how they behave.
Steady denial of feelings can confuse and enrage kids, it also teaches them not to know what their feelings are or not to trust them.
Ex: Child saying they are hot and the parent saying that they need to keep their sweater on because it is cold.
Ex: Child saying they are tired parent disagreeing because the child just woke up from a nap.
When feelings are consistently denied, parents and children become increasingly hostile toward each other.
When we acknowledge a child’s feelings, we put them in touch with their inner reality and they gather the strength needed to cope.
When someone is able to really listen, acknowledge the inner pain and give a chance for the person to talk more about what is troubling them, they become less upset, less confused and are able to begin to cope with their feelings
TO HELP WITH FEELINGS:
Listen with full attention
Acknowledge their feelings with a word (“Oh… I see… Mhmm…”)
Give their feelings a name
“That sounds frustrating!”
Give them their wishes in a fantasy
“I wish I had a magic wand that could…”
Is it important to always empathize with a child?
The time for empathy is when a child wants you to know how they feel
One father said that what helped him to become more sensitive to his son’s emotional needs was when he began to equate the unhappy feelings with physical bruises
What’s wrong with just asking a child why they feel that way?
In addition to the original distress, they will need to analyze the cause and come up with a reasonable explanation. Very often children don’t know why they feel the way they do.
Are parents supposed to agree with their child’s feelings?
Children don’t need to have their feelings agreed with, they simply need them to be acknowledged.
What people of all ages need in a moment of distress is not agreement or disagreement, but is someone to recognize what it is they are experiencing.
What’s wrong with simply saying, “I understand how you feel?”
The problem with saying, “I know how you feel” is that some children do not believe you. They’ll answer, “No, you don’t” but when you take the time to be specific- they know that you really do understand
What if the feeling I identify is wrong?
Your child will correct you.
How should you react wen you hear, “You’re mean.” or “I hate you.”
If “I hate you” is upsetting, you should let your child know. Say something along the lines of, “I didn’t like what I just heard. If you are angry about something, tell it to me in a different way. Then maybe I can be helpful.”
We all lose our cool sometimes, and while it is important for children to see that you have emotion, if an overreaction occurs, talk to your child and apologize. Children learn best from their models.
Is there a way to help a child who is unhappy other than to tell them that you understand their feelings?
Sometimes a physical activity can help relieve some painful feelings. Stories were told of children feeling calmer after punching pillows, hammering grocery cartons, pounding and kneading clay, roaring like a lion and throwing darts.
One of the most satisfying for children to do and parents to watch is drawing their feelings.
What is most important is that when a child is punching or pounding or drawing that you are there, watching and letting them know that even their angriest feelings are understood and accepted.
If I accept all of my child’s feelings, won’t that give them the idea that anything they do is okay with me?
When you accept your child’s feelings they are more able to accept the limits that are set for them.
What is the objection to giving children advice when they have a problem?
When we give children advice or instant solutions, we deprive them of the experience that comes from wrestling with their own problems.
Critical and creative thought
Is there anything you can do if you realize that you have given your child an unhelpful response?
Every time a parent says to themselves, “I wish I hadn’t…” you are automatically given another chance. Compassion is appreciated whether it comes sooner or later.
Cautions:
Children usually object when their exact words are repeated back to them
There are youngsters who prefer no talk at all when they’re upset. For them, your presence is enough.
Some children become irritated when they express an intense emotion and their parent’s response is correct but cool.
It’s also not helpful when parents respond wire more intensity than the child feels.
Children don’t appreciate having the names they call themselves repeated by their parents.
Chapter Two: Engaging Cooperation
Real listening is hard work.
I tend to call this “active listening.” It requires your attention.
What are your expectations of listening?
Whole Body Listening
TO ENGAGE COOPERATION:
Describe. Describe what you see or describe the problem.
“The light is on in the bathroom.”
Give Information.
“Walls are not for writing on. Paper is for writing on.”
Talk about your feelings.
“It bothers me when the screen door is open. I don’t want flies around our food.”
Say it with a word.
“Kids, pajamas.”
Write a note.
Saw a cute idea about a parent sending in a paper airplane to their children that couldn’t read. When the kids looked at the airplane, they brought it to the parent to read. When the parent read the, “Clean up your toys” note aloud, the kids thought it was pretty funny and scampered off to pick up.
Two things about using this method:
It’s important to be authentic. Sounding patient, when you feel frustrated can work against you. A child cannot necessarily pick up on those frustrated cues. If you say, “Please pick up your toys, dear.” when you really mean, “I am a ticking time bomb. If your toys are not picked up, I am going to scream.” will likely only result in a negative situation.
Just because you don’t “get through” to your child the first time, does not mean that you should give up. Use the above skills independently or in conjunction with one another.
Questions about this chapter:
If attitude is important, why bother with words?
A parent’s look of disgust or tone of contempt can hurt deeply, but if that child is also subjected to words like stupid, careless, or irresponsible, they are wounded twice. Words have a way of lingering around. The worst part of this is that your child may end up using these words at a later date to describe themselves.
I have worked with a number of children and I can tell you that the above statement is something I know to be true. They may not act like it, they may put on a brave face, but the words you use to describe your child will stick. I have had students walk into my classroom and tell me that they are just dumb so they shouldn’t even bother trying. I’ve had them tell me that they are stupid and are just going to end up making careless choices anyway. Even something that seems benign like, “You’re bad.” in a trying situation, can easily be internalized and is often the first thing I hear the following day.
If the moment escapes you, remember that you also have the power to change it. Apologize, talk to your child and explain that they are not ____, but the situation was difficult.
What’s wrong with saying please when you want a child to do something?
Small favors like, “pass the salt” could warrant a please. We want our children to model a socially acceptable way to make a small request, but “please” lends itself best to relaxed moments. When you want something done immediately its a good idea to speak forcefully rather than plead.
Is there a way to explain the fact that sometimes my kids do what I’ve asked of them and others it seems like I can’t get through?
Does what you’re having your child do make sense for their age and ability?
Do they feel that your request is unreasonable?
Can you offer a choice about when to do it (instead of right now)?
Can you offer a choice about how it is done?
Comments and Cautions about engaging cooperation:
Describe:
Many people feel that the “you” in a statement is what makes a person feel accused and defensive. “You spilled the milk.” vs “The milk spilled. We need a sponge.”
The book points out that we should always try to omit the word “you” in our descriptive language. Pointing out that there is a problem without being accusatory.
Doing this makes it easier for a child to pick up on what the problem is and allows them to focus on finding a solution.
Descriptive statements work best when a child feels that their help is genuinely needed.
Give information:
Refrain on giving the child information that they already know. If you walked up to a 10 year old and said “Milk turns sour when it isn’t refrigerated.” They may feel that you are being sarcastic or think they are dumb.
One-Word Statements:
Don’t use your child’s name as a one-word statement. When a child hears a disapproving “Susie” many times during the day, they begin to associate their name with disapproval.
Describe what you feel:
Children whose feelings are respected are likely to be respectful of adult feelings.
Response to “Who cares?”
You can tell a child that you care and let them know that you care about how they feel and that your expectation is that everyone in the family cares for one another.
Some children are very sensitive to their parent’s disapproval. Hearing “I am furious” may be more than those children can bear. If your child is sensitive to hearing about your feelings, stick with setting the expectations (ie. “I expect that you are kind to animals.” after seeing a child pull at a cat’s tail).
If I follow these rules, will my child always respond?
The author states that they would hope not as children are not robots. They do not want the purpose of the book to be manipulating child behavior.
The purpose of the book is to speak to what is best in our children- their intelligence, their initiative, their sense of responsibility, their sense of humor, their ability to be sensitive to the needs of others.
They want to put an end to talk that hurts a child’s spirit and search out language that nourishes self-esteem.
To create an emotional climate that encourages children to cooperate because they care about themselves and us.
WE should demonstrate the kind of respectful communication that we hope our children will use with us now- during their adolescent years, and ultimately as our adult friends.